


Behind the Curtain

by wildforwyld



Series: the ahn jaewon angst/whump channel [2]
Category: Lost in Translation (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Death, Depression, Gay, Gay Dongho, Gay Jaewon, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Regret, Sad Ending, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:20:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25658866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildforwyld/pseuds/wildforwyld
Summary: Jaewon laments. Will this ever end?Warnings, just in case you didn't read the tags: Includes suicide, a little bit of detail about a corpse, referenced homophobia and a major character death.
Relationships: Ahn Jaewon | Wyld/Kang Dongho | D.Min
Series: the ahn jaewon angst/whump channel [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1884922
Comments: 2
Kudos: 57





	1. The Show Must Go On

**Author's Note:**

> Inside my heart is breaking,  
> My makeup may be flaking,  
> But my smile still stays on.

It hurts.

It hurts me, the words that the CEO of HCE speaks to me on the regular. Spitting out insults, calling me selfish, weak, pathetic. He wasn’t completely wrong, but it hurt nonetheless. He would make me beg, bend over and cry for forgiveness, just to keep the other three members of MAYHEM out of my troubles. They don’t deserve it. They work so hard, and they’re so talented. It’s better that I keep enduring, so they can be successful.

My group mates see me as a troublesome person. This reputation that I have earned, it makes them see me in the same way a parent may see a delinquent child. When I show up to practice, they often look at me with disappointment, sometimes anger, and even disdain on bad days, or when a new rumor is spread about ‘Wyld’. As if I was a waste of their time, of space. They aren’t wrong either, but it still hurts.

At home, I’d go onto my phone, and check my notifications. I don’t know why I still do. Hundreds and hundreds of comments about how utterly terrible ‘Wyld’ is. I don’t blame them. They don’t know who Ahn Jaewon is. But this hurt as well. Even if ‘Wyld’ and Jaewon aren’t the same, we are both worthless and untalented, no matter how much we try. 

At night, in my bed, I’d lay in silence. The night was always cold and quiet. Loud silence presses on me, reminding me of my loneliness. Not even my own mom would listen to my problems. I used to think she would love me unconditionally, that she would accept me and my decisions and guide me through life. I was proved wrong the day I told her that I wasn’t attracted to girls, but instead to men. She kicked me out.

My preference has always proved troublesome for people, including myself. It made it harder for me to make friends. It even ruined the one beginning of a friendship I could have had.

It was the night of the day that Dongho helped me catch the sasaeng that broke into my apartment. I was seated on the couch for a little while, silent and unmoving. Then Dongho came to sit next to me.

I have known Dongho for a while, but never really got to be close friends with him. Despite that, I felt an attraction towards the man. It wasn’t right, having a crush on someone you work with, but I can’t help my feelings. His kindness towards me only made me fall harder. 

Dongho asked me, “Are you feeling alright?”

I nodded, but said nothing, and did not turn to him. Earlier that day I had told him my secret, that I wasn’t like that image that was created for me. I wasn’t ‘Wyld’ like the other two thought I was.

The other placed his hand on my shoulder. He turned to me and whispered, “Tell me if you ever need help. I’ll be here. I’m here for you.”

When I looked at him then, our faces were close. Dongho almost seemed to lean in a bit, as if he noticed. It was my stupid self that ruined everything. I leaned in closer, and there was no space between us. I should have known then that Dongho could never want someone like me. If I were in the right mind, we might’ve become actual friends, and that night wouldn’t have happened.

His lips were warm, and slightly chapped. They didn’t welcome mine. He pushed me away suddenly, stood up, and glared.

“What the hell? What the fuck is wrong with you?  Who do you think you are?”

He was absolutely right. His reaction was appropriate. Who did I think I was? I’m worthless. 

“I’m...sorry…”

I got up and left him there. The next morning we didn’t speak about the event, but it was clear that Dongho wished to interact with me as little as he could. It was all my fault.

Sometimes I wish I could be selfish. I wish I lived in another world, where I could bring myself to do something about this and not worry about how it might affect the group, where I wouldn't be gay, and I could just be normal. But that's not how life works. 

I have to put on my act for their sake. The world doesn’t need Ahn Jaewon. The world doesn’t want Ahn Jaewon. For them, I would need to be ‘Wyld’. I must put myself down for their sake, to make sure their efforts and hard work weren’t going to be wasted. They can get rid of me once they’re famous, right? All I have to do is endure this until they are so well known that they don’t need someone to keep making scandals to boost their image. Then, MAYHEM can be a group of three talented people, and I won’t be there to slow them down. All I have to do is wait, right?


	2. Leaving Home Ain't Easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leaving home ain't easy,  
> But may be the only way

I was wrong. Putting myself down wouldn’t be enough. In reality, I was a danger to their careers, and to their mental health. My existence would only cause further problems and ruin the group dynamic. It would be better if I wasn’t with MAYHEM anymore, especially after the latest scandal that I was involved in.

A few days ago, MAYHEM went out for dinner. I shouldn’t have gone with them. A man there recognized me and tried to make advances. Someone in the restaurant snapped a photo of the man pinning me to a wall, and trying to lean in closer. From there, the media created a rumor. A rumor that I was gay.

I would have tried my best to ignore this, and not let it get to me, or at least act like it didn’t. I probably could have done it, were it not for all the insulting and homophobic comments left under the other member’s posts. Daehyun, Minsoo, and Dongho’s posts were filled with hundreds of comments calling them names that they didn’t deserve to be called. People thought that just because I was like this, they were too. It wasn't true. They weren’t gay like me. They’re were not **inverted** like I was.

I was the cause for this. I was the reason that Daehyun couldn’t stop frowning at practice yesterday. I was deserving of Dongho and Minsoo’s disappointed glares. It’d be better if I didn’t stay any longer. In fact, it’d be better if I never came to be here in the first place. This is all my fault.

Would it be weak for me to say that I wanted to leave this world? It's not like I can't handle the pressures of life. I’ve been doing it for the past 7 years. If I pose a danger towards people I care about, I must leave, but if I leave MAYHEM now, what will that do? Will the few fans I have blame the other three? Would I even be able to leave MAYHEM in the first place?

Even if I did, I’d have nothing left. My image is ruined, and outside of MAYHEM, I have no life. I would be nothing more than a worthless mind that contributes nothing to anything, only taking and consuming. What’s the point of a person like that? If I left this world, it wouldn’t really hurt anyone seriously. It would stun people at first, but they’d all get over it within a few months.

I could do it in secret. It would keep people from witnessing the horrors of death, and my disappearance could be written off as a random mystery, something no one really cares about solving.

No, I won’t. Even the most worthless of men deserve to have their dying wish fulfilled. I want to be selfish one more time. Let people be exposed to a glimpse of my ugly truth. Let them see. I want to die in the city anyway. Seoul is the one place I ever felt close to being accepted. 

Like I said before, my mother used to be supportive of everything I did. She’d say that she’d always love me unconditionally. Apparently, “unconditionally” means ‘no matter what, except if you’re not straight’. After coming out to her, of course, I was booted out of the house, and left to fend for myself.

I remember learning for the first time about the other three people I would debut with to form MAYHEM, back when I was a trainee. I had hoped we could become brothers, that I could finally find a place for myself in life. I was totally wrong, but it wasn't their fault. Anyone wouldn’t want to be friends with a magnet for trouble and pain. 

I remember how polite Daehyun was to me, and how polite he still is to me. He was like a much better version of myself. I admire him. 

I remember how energetic and confident Minsoo is, and was. I longed to be just as self assured.

I remember how incredibly stoic but kind Dongho would be towards me, before I was forced to become ‘Wyld’. My heart still hurts thinking of him, even though it’s already been at least a week since he spoke those hurtful words after I let my selfishness take over. 

Earlier today, I told the other three that I was coming to my apartment to pick up a few things I hadn’t brought when we first moved into our dorm last week. In reality, I was finally going to do what I should have done long ago.

I’ve already written a letter for them, and for everyone else, signed with a heart on the cover of it’s envelope. As much as I wish that I wasn’t like this, that I didn’t have to resort to killing myself to keep them safe, it had to be done. 

And now, I’m on the roof of my old apartment. The wind blows, cold and fresh, and the city lights glare at me. I take a running start, jump off the edge, and I’m flying. I look back down at Seoul. It’s so far away now. The city lights soften, and the wind slows. It doesn’t hurt my nose anymore or make my eyes water. I’m sorry everyone, for being so useless. I tried my best. I’m sorry for being born here.

I’m doing them a favor, the only people I care about in this world. They’ll be better off without a parasite like me. The city is far away now. Goodbye Dongho, Minsoo, Daehyun. 

_ I’m sorry. _

***

Jaewon hadn’t seen the text from Minsoo saying that they’d come pick him up for dinner after they finished their gym trip. 

***

Our van parks outside of Jaewon’s apartment. There are crowds right outside of the building.  We get out of the car and begin walking towards the place.

“I wonder what that is?” Daehyun mumbles, pointing at the crowds.

“Let’s go see!” Minsoo exclaims, making his way towards the groups of people. I grab his jacket before he can manage to start off towards the scene.

“No, first we get Jaewon, then we can see.”

Minsoo grumbles, but follows us towards the entrance. Right before we are able to enter the building, I hear a female voice shriek from the murmuring crowd.

“Oh my god! Is that Wyld?!”

Our group mate’s stage name being screamed out of nowhere catches our attention. We turn to look at the crowd again.

‘ _ Wyld? What about him? _ ’

Minsoo growls, “Wyld?! Did he get himself into another scandal already? What the hell is wrong with him?”

He pushes his way through the crowds, with Daehyun and then me following him from behind. Soon ambulance sirens can be heard in the distance. Minsoo sees the scene first apparently, but doesn’t say anything. In fact, he stops cold and doesn't move or anything at all, which is rare for such a guy like him. Daehyun joins him, but then drops to his knees suddenly, giving me enough room to examine the scene and determine why the other two were acting so weird.

_ It’s him. _

Jaewon lies a couple meters away from us, in a pool of his own blood. The red liquid stains his white hoodie, and mixes in with his hair. Chills run up my spine. What the hell kind of a joke was this? 

Was that really Jaewon? Our Jaewon? Innocent, sweet, ever so caring, Jaewon? How could he be the same lifeless figure lying in front of them?

_ Jaewon? _

“O-Oh…” My voice breaks.

Jaewon was smiling then, for the first time in months.

I don’t remember how the night ended, or what happened for the next few days. I can only recall when Daehyun and Minsoo came over with food and a letter a few days later. The food they brought was from Mama’s Touch. 

_ Jaewon’s favorite. _

They read the letter they brought to me when I wouldn’t...couldn't...say anything else. 

_ My name is Ahn Jaewon. Most know me from my stage name, Wyld. _

_ First of all, goodbye. Goodbye Mayniacs, mom, Dahyun, Dongho, and Minsoo. I’d like to make a few apologies and ‘thank-yous’ before I go.  _

_ I want to say sorry to my mom for being born and wasting 18 years of her life on me, but besides that I have nothing else to say. You weren’t there for me when I revealed my true self to you, even though you said you would be, even when I tried my best to make you proud. _

_ I’m sorry to all Mayniacs for ruining everything for you guys. I shouldn’t have become an Idol and joined MAYHEM. I’m not worthy of the support coming from the few of you who give me it. Please continue to follow MAYHEM, and don’t think that they have anything to do with my own troubles. They don’t deserve those hateful words. _

_ I’m sorry, MAYHEM, for dragging you all down, for being useless and untalented. I tried my best for you all, taking responsibility for all those scandals and misunderstandings, even if my truth was never everyone else’s as well.  _

Minsoo and Daehyun gasp at this. “Does that mean…?”

“Yes,” I muttered in a scratchy voice, “none of those scandals were real. J-.... He…told me about this… a while ago…”

The two look at me with sad, pitying eyes, before returning to the letter.

_ I didn’t end it all because of a weak mentality. Please don’t make the mistake of thinking I couldn’t handle the pressure. It’s better this way, without me. My presence only brings pain to those I care about. My **preference** only ruins things for other people. It’s pathetic, isn’t it, how I can only say these things in written words? Sometimes I want to resent you all, for being able to live happier lives than me, but in those moments, I fail to remember that everyone suffers just as much as each other. I am no special. I might as well do all that is in my power to help you all achieve your dreams. I hope MAYHEM will go on to flourish and thrive. You’ll do better without me, as only three.  _

It’s painful, so painful, to know that Jaewon was enduring all this alone. How had we never noticed? How could we be such terrible people? Most of all, how could I have treated him like I did just over a week ago?

We shared a kiss the night that I helped him catch that sasaeng. He was soft, and tasted like sweet cherries. I wanted it more than anything. But the wall that I erected for myself, to keep all traces of intimacy away from me, it left no room for me to think. I pushed him away that night, and said terrible things to him. I resented myself afterwards just thinking of his stunned, hurt face. He didn’t deserve it. None of it. I was a coward. I didn’t even try to apologize or explain myself at all afterwards.

How could I be so utterly stupid? Now, Jaewon was gone, and I’d never, ever be able to take those words back. How could I do this to him? And the way he talks about himself. He says that he is pathetic, that he is worthless, and that he doesn’t deserve to be alive.  If I had known before, I would have done everything in my power to make him understand that it wasn’t true. Sweet, lovable Jaewon, what has the world done to you?

Why couldn’t we see it before?

Why now, when everything was done and final, when I can no longer hear your voice or feel your embrace, or your warm lips on mine? I’m so sorry, Jaewon. I’d do anything to turn back time, knock some sense into my past self, and make him see, see that you were in pain. 

Why did we only realize your suffering now, when all we can do is feel warm tears on our faces and grieve?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leaving home ain't easy  
> On the one you're leaving home


End file.
